Six month update

One would think that this blog would be a really good place to vomit my thoughts for the benefit of my mental health and to spare my friends from having to listen to all my issues, but apparently, I only think about it every six months or so, which decreases it's usefulness considerably. I've been thinking of posting more, so here's seeing if I'll actually do that. But, since I'm here, how about a six month recap?

I've been living here for just over one year now, and I guess it's becoming home. I don't like that I have to drive 800 years to get to a city of any decent size, but I guess there are worse things in the world. I know someone who had to drive 2.5 hours to get to a Target, and thankfully my city of about 100,000 isn't so bad. My mom was just visiting and anywhere we wanted to go was about 2 hours away. We ended up sticking close to home a lot because the driving was just tiring me out. Work is going reasonably well. I'm a master procrastinator, so I haven't gotten any of my dissertation chapters out the door yet. The plan is do that this summer, but it's already mid-June and I haven't accomplished much. Still, hope springs eternal.

Thankfully, I have made some wonderful friends here, so it's not completely lonely, though I do find myself parked in front of the tv most nights of the week. For a while in the fall, I was out almost every night and that was too much, so I've cut back considerably, though now I'm finding myself lonely again. I hope to find a balance soon.

I did run a marathon in May, so I've been keeping busy with the running. I'm not fast, and I'm not pretty, but I'm dedicated, and right now that's enough for me. I've just started training for a half-marathon this fall, but I also intend to begin P90X next week, so if my running needs to take a backseat for a while, I'm willing to let that happen. I will probably attempt another marathon next year, and most probably in the fall, but we'll see about that as well. While I was run/walking the marathon (due to overheating and a grouchy hip), I was demoralized and cranky, though when I crossed the finish line, I was nothing but proud. Part of me really wants to do it again and do it better. Better, not just faster. We'll see.

Other than work, friends and running, there's not too much going on. I'm debating about jumping into the dating scene through the dreaded internet. I'm not too thrilled about this, but I've only met married women and men since moving here, and they don't know any single people, so I'm stuck. This might be fodder for future posts.

Well, I've got a guy trying to sell me a vacuum cleaner, so I'd better pay attention. At least I'm getting my carpets cleaned. (And I don't mean that euphemistically!)

Today kicks @ss!

Well, here's a nice change of pace. Usually I use this space to express frustrations with what's going on in my life. Today, I'm using the space to be excited about what's going on in my life.

Last night, my neighbor invited me to a girls-night-in type of event where she invited a bunch of her friends over to watch Top Chef. It was a small event, but everyone was really nice and I had a good time. This morning, my neighbor forwarded me an e-mail from one of the women in attendance, which basically said, "How cool is Prae? I'm so glad she's part of our group now!" It absolutely made my morning. First, the fact that this woman accepted me so quickly as part of the group just about knocked me over, and that my neighbor forwarded the message really touched my heart.

I was flying high when I went to class, the last class of the semester. Before I handed out the final exams, I asked the students to give me feedback on the course. While I didn't expect overly negative comments (I haven't turned in their final grades yet), I also didn't expect the extent of the nice comments either. They were really complimentary, and gave useful feedback for future iterations of the class. At the end of class, several students came up to me and thanked me for the class and said what a good time they had. It was very gratifying.

But wait, there's more. . .After lunch my department chair forwarded me an e-mail from a student in my class. S/he went to great lengths to praise my teaching, even going so far as to suggest I receive extra compensation for my efforts! It absolutely made my semester.

I don't know how long the good times will last, but I'm very happy today. That doesn't happen too often, so I'm going to ride the wave as long as I can. It's just so nice to see that all my hard work was appreciated by someone.

Hooray!

I hate journaling, but I need an outlet

The reason there' s nothing ever posted on this blog is that I actually hate the process of journaling, which is how I view this process. I don't have enough going on in my real life to post news items or other such stuff on a regular basis, and I definitely don't want most of my friends to keep this close of tabs on me. Still, having moved to a new place, I'm finding myself in serious need of friends, and as that process is slowly unfolding, I figure I could pretend that I'm writing to a friend here and release much of my frustration in a non-self-defeating form.

I guess the starting point is that I'm lonely. I miss having people around who I can talk to at any point. Back in graduate school, I could walk down the hall, or through the graduate carrels and always find someone to talk to. Going home to an empty house wasn't even that daunting because I had just filled myself up on people at school. Now, I'm the new girl in town and I don't know my colleagues well enough to know that popping by their offices is "proper behavior" or not. Since I'm the new girl, I also want to impress these people. They took a calculated risk in hiring me (as all new hires are), and I want to prove to them that they made a good bet. Unfortunately, my loneliness and sadness about all the change that has occurred is seriously affecting my productivity.

Also affecting my productivity is living with a very bad decision and alternating between beating myself up for it and trying to give myself a break about it. The short version is that I got involved with a man who turned out to be less than ideal in a situation that was certainly less than ideal. I was happy and then I wasn't, and now I'm sad and a little guilty about it, but I can't undo it. Someone who might have been a friend isn't and I'm left wondering what it is about me that has led me to this point in my life. I'm perpetually single and afraid of relationships. I'm gregarious and independent while simultaneously, I'm shy and needy. I'm worried about overburdening my true, close friends by leaning on them too hard, but they're the only people who I know won't judge me and my truly stupid decisions.

If I could, I would excise all emotions from my brain and just get work done. Then, when convenient, I would add the emotions back in and interact with people. I look out into the world and I see that other people struggle with relationships, but somehow, even in the struggle, they seem to be happy. I don't think I know what happy feels like. I was in a conversation at lunch today where I made the categorical statement that I wouldn't attach myself to a man who couldn't get a credit card on his own. Someone said, "Well, now you're just getting picky," in a joking way. It did make me stop and think about how picky or not I'm actually being. I know that I romanticize relationships too much, and that no person is "perfect", but I also believe that I am worth enough as a person not to settle for something that doesn't make me happy. I am worried, however, that since I don't know what happiness feels like, I will turn away from opportunities and people that make me happy.

This is really all a moot point because I don't know anyone, especially men. A new friend is having a to-do at her house, but it's all women. In general, this should be fun, but most of these women are married, so the likelihood that they'll know unmarried guys in probably nil. I'm trying not to make this the sole fixation of my thoughts, but I'm sad, and I've always believed that if I were in a relationship, I'd be happier. I know, objectively, that this is not true, but when everything else is unsatisfying, it's nice to dream.

I'll stop the pity party now, but there will probably be more later. I'm just warning you. . .

Ooops, I keep forgetting I have a blog

My friend, Frankie, just reminded me that I have a blog, so I guess I should post here every once in a while. At the new year, I posted some goals for 2008, so as the year is half over, let's see how I've done (completed goals are bolded):

2008 Goals:

1. Academic
A. Finish draft of dissertation by March 5
B. Successfully defend dissertation in April
C. Draft Ch. 6 into an article by August
D. Draft Ch. 5 into article by November

2. Personal
A. Actively pursue dating
B. Keep in touch with current friends
C. Make at least one new friend
D. Finish one cross-stitch picture

3. Health and Fitness
A. Make better food choices
B. Exercise more frequently
C. Run a 10k
D. Run a half marathon

Currently, I'm procrastinating on 1C; 3A is a constant struggle; I'm in training for 3D; and it's too early to judge all of #2 (though I was making really good progress on a x-stitch picture).

There's still a lot to be done in 2008. Here I come!

Lonely in a Crowd

I was at a party the other week, and about 3 hours into it, I realized that I was all alone in the middle of a crowd.

While that was not the most fun feeling I've ever experience, what is worse is that I haven't been able to shake it, even 2 weeks later. I'm not one of those people who have a ton of friends all the time. Typically, I have one or two friends with whom I do almost everything. I don't know if this is a function of not being able to pay attention to multiple people at once, or if like at the party, when I'm in the middle of a crowd, I feel alone. The few friends at a time that I have, though, are true, deep and important friends, and I love spending time with them, talking with them and sharing my life and theirs. The problem arises when they leave.

My best friend moved away to graduate school about 5 years ago. While we still talk on the phone several times a month, she is now living with a very nice man and her life and mine are not on the same trajectory. We both know other people and some times it's so exhausting to explain the context, that it's almost not fun sharing the stories. I still love her dearly and I eagerly anticipate our time together, but it's just not the same. She's not HERE.

My first year in graduate school, my closest friend was Andrew. After our first year, Andrew got married and his wife moved to town. She doesn't really like me. I don't think it's personal, but we don't have much to talk about. Since his marriage, I spend almost no time with my friend. I was very sad (and still am sometimes) because I loved spending time with him and always had a smile on my face when with him. I miss him.

After Andrew's marriage, my closes friend was Luis. We lived together for three years and spent quite a bit of time together. We watched movies together on the weekends, and spent many an hour over dinner talking about the world. We always joked that we would be the perfect team to compete on The Amazing Race because we were smart people who would do well, but we'd also be highly entertaining because we have the most random conversations. People on the bus, on the street, and in our department would just shake their heads during our conversations because we disagreed with each other just for fun. Luis, however, began dating a woman he met during his Master's program, and moved out shortly afterward. I think he moved out partly because she didn't like the idea of him living with another woman, no matter how platonically. Recently moved to live with her, as she lives out of state. We talk on the phone every once in a blue moon, but it's simply not the same.

So here I find myself, 2.5 weeks from a dissertation deadline, 6.5 weeks from a dissertation defense and 8.5 weeks from graduation, and I've got no one in my immediate vicinity with whom to shares the ups and downs (mostly downs) of my life. I've been very sad recently and I don't know what to do about it. I guess the most immediate thing to do is gut it out and get my dissertation finished. If I don't do that, so many other things in my life will be unhappy. I guess I must also make myself promise that I will work very hard when I get to the new job to make friends. This one-at-a-time stuff is nice in theory, but it is really difficult when that one person finds another person.

Excuses

Thursday was a bad day for me. I should have known that when I was posting on the blog in the morning instead of writing. I did not get much writing done, and I was very unmotivated to go to yoga. So, I started coming up with all these excuses for why I shouldn't go to yoga. I'll spare you the inner dialogue, but the excuses won and I went home, made questionable food choices and stayed up too late watching tv. I wrote Friday off because I was feeling low and almost talked myself out of going to the gym in the early evening. Thankfully, the excuses didn't win this time, and I got in 3 good miles on the TM and 20 not-so-good minutes on the exercise bike. Still, I'm very glad I made it to the gym on Friday, and I'm looking forward to starting 10k training next week.

I'm definitely going to have to work on the excuses, but I know that I am strong enough to fight them.

Dissertation writing

I'm in the last throes of my dissertation in terms of time, but I have miles to go before I'm done. The plan is seven chapters, three of which are drafted, though I will have to revise them. I'm part of the way done with a fourth chapter, two of the remaining are intro and conclusion, which don't have to be long, and the final chapter is a lit review which no one will read. Therefore, in the scheme of life, I'm almost done, but it seems like such a daunting endeavor. I hate writing because I'm a perfectionist, and that's all I have left to do. All the quantitative models are run, and I just have to write. It sucks.

I'm trying to finish a chapter this week, and if I do, it will be a miracle. Still, I have to do this, so I will. I wish I could live my entire life just working out, reading, watching movies and cross-stitching. I'm sure that I would eventually get bored, but right now if I contemplate a life of research and constant writing, it makes me a little sad. Not because I'm not intellectually curious, but because I don't think I'm very good. I love the prospect of mentoring students and teaching classes (though I'm a little nervous about the grad class next spring), but I'm worried that I won't be a good enough researcher (or a motivated enough one) to meet my tenure requirements.

Isn't it funny, though, that I'm worried about tenure 6-7 years from now instead of focusing on the dissertation. I think that's because people in my department say that since I have a job for next year, as far as they are concerned, I've already passed my dissertation. Of course, they're not going to fail me now, but I still have to finish writing it, and if it's the first draft of my eventual book, I'd like for it to be as good as it can be. At some point, I know I'm going to have to give up my perfectionist ways, but that's hard to do.

Well, enough procrastinating. On to the work of the day.